I think it's been approximately a week an a half since I've arrived back in New York from Los Angeles. Jet lag is over, and so is my first week at my new job. It's been beautiful so far, and I suppose at the moment I feel shocked that it's actually happening; yet I also feel unsafe about the future and I must be prepared for anything the new year will bring. With the new elections, and the turning of the tides (politically, socially, ecologically) I'm thinking this year is going to be chock-full of beginnings for all of us....maybe it's also going to be a very watery year. So to really get to the crux of things, I've been thinking about my career, future, love life, and how these three are interconnected....I suppose that's a common theme among my entries, but this time it's been at the top of my mind full speed, and geography plays a big role. Every day New York reminds me of someone I once dated; and I know this sounds like a cliche love story- girl meets boy in New York, some how they split up, and somehow they find their way back together, or stay separated forever. This is where my tendency to project comes in. I don't want to go back, and I should have erased his number. But New York is quite a small city with an enormous population, and there's always a chance of running into him. If/when this happens, what should I do?
In the past I've had my extremes with love, hardly any grays. It's too hot and dangerous, and you must get out of it to save your life. It's too cold, too casual, and you only see each other once a month so why even bother? These all sound terrible, I know, so to be honest while I was away in Europe, I decided to drop out of the scene entirely; giving the excuse that the distance from my homeland, and the uncertainty of my future (whether or not I should stay in the UK, or the US indefinitely) was the reason why I fought against dating. Physically it was torture, believe me. But in the end, it would only end up in heartbreak:
I'm sorry, I'm only here for a few months more, but our time together was swell. What? You love me? I'm sorry but I don't feel the same. I was just using you to feel good about myself.
But I'm not a heart-breaking, selfish woman. So that's what I did, I saved hearts, dropped out, and L-O-V-E-D my independence! Sadly, now that my travels are over, and the said "uncertainties", and therefore "excuses" are exhausted, I'm faced yet again with this unsettling thing called "love". I feel pressured into finding it, and really I don't like it. Most of my high school and college classmates are either engaged, or married. Sometimes I even scoff at them, afraid of the thought of losing my independence. I know this is not always true, if you find the right one, that is. Nonetheless, I refuse to live my life like a race to find love. I know I don't have to, but I'm feeling the pressure. My Dad, being the type of man who is tough on the outside, but weepy on the inside, encourages me to always "Listen to my heart", and then this past Christmas holiday he tried to hook me up with his "friend"- his youthful tennis partner at the club- by calling him on the phone to meet me....literally. I, like some flightless bird, ran out the door (also quite literally), giving the excuse that I needed to run my 3 miles for that day. Maybe he thought my heart would fall for his friend. Mom on the other hand is the rational one, "The reason why God put your head over your heart is because He wants you to use it first."; and then every once in a while, I get clinical advice from her (she's a nurse) that women slowly become infertile as they move into their 30s.
So what's the rational thing to do? I honestly don't know. Do I want love? Sure, but I don't believe I should go against nature finding it. Then again, if/when I serendipidously meet that person who changed my life here in New York, I wouldn't know what to do. How will my career and emotions fit into the decision? I must be prepared, but how? I'm afraid that this is something beyond me. There's no place to hide, no country to run to, no more excuses.
The conclusion I have reached, though could potentially change should I be confronted with the aforementioned issue, is to rationally stop rationalizing. Screw this love-seeking nonsense and fear of uncertainty. I guess if it happens, it happens, and though New York is pregnant with chances of meeting familiar faces, it's not the UK, and I'm in a geographically safe circumstance to try. After all I've been living a rational life for the last, say 4 years? Maybe it's time to let go a little. I'm frightened, but I trust things will be alright.
Listen to your heart,