I know since my last post I've again dropped off the face of the planet. I'm sorry, but you're probably used to that aren't you? Thankfully though I have you to speak to, and I couldn't ask for anyone more patient and close. Since you've last heard, life has led me on yet another road trip if you will- a new job, a new apartment, a new society, a new neighborhood. I find myself keener than ever to excel in my career, and like many I feel like I'm getting there without a clue of what I'm doing; like walking around in the dark. It's unsettling, but welcoming. You're probably used to that too aren't you? You've been there I'm certain, and you know it will never stop. It is what it is and you knew this long before I met you.
These last few days I've been finding myself deep in introspection. Proof of that is, humorously, through the films I've been watching on Netflix during my down-time: The Red Violin, Mary and Max, Trainspotting....One theme they all have in common- "Process". Trial, self-renaissance, absolution, centering. Is this my subconscience trying to tell me to right myself? After all, I have indeed moved to more than half a dozen accomodations since I've returned from Scotland. No stability, just a constant test of will and flexibility. The human brain needs stability doesn't it? But how long can it last before it breaks down, and/or if it survives will it's younger innocence no longer exist? A human needs a place where it can plant itself, strengthen his/her relationships, grow. I feel this is what I need, and it's painful to think it'll never come no matter how much I struggle. That is life though isn't it? A constant struggle- a testing, fine-tuning, until finally there is rest.
The Red Violin kept me awake in bed thinking about the idea of "struggle". I used to play one when I was a child, maybe this is why I was drawn to the movie initially. Surprisingly, it wasn't about a violin as an instrument, but as a person's spirit living on centuries after physical death, manifested in the violin and the person playing it. Have you ever lingered on a note for so long that it triggered a memory or a need? Through every note I heard her voice. I felt like my life was living through her. Glee, lust, falling in love with the devil, confusion, death, trial, hiding, and finally renewal. At the end of the movie the Red Violin had centuries of weathering on it's resin, a broken neck, string replacements, it's colour fading. It's original lustre had disappeared, it's innocence dissolved through a lazarus existence, and it's value neglected. Somehow after being dormant for centuries, someone re-discovered her and protected her. At the end of the movie, it was this process she had to go through before real love and appreciation could be found.
It is for this reason why I shrug at the darkness. Groping for stability is all part of it, I learned. By doing so, we heighten our senses, and accept failure when it comes. I don't like it nearly as much as you think I do. I feel it is human nature to want to work towards pleasure and comfort as opposed to strife. I do wonder though, if we all had the patience to go through life without wanting to find solace in earthly consolation, in what way would that elevate us? I in turn would like to think You already accepted me long before we met. You understand why I continue moving forward so I could be last. If You really do, thank You.